Title: Absence makes the heart...
Author: Michael Wilson
Email: wyrdradio@yahoo.com
Rating: Pretty tame... maybe PG
Disclaimer: Joss, Mutant Enemy, and a lot of other people own Buffy and the characters in this story, except for the general... he’s mine. I get nothing by writing this except maybe some kind words of encouragement and a few cheers... at least I hope.
Spoilers: None that I know of.
Summary: This is Buffy/Xander angst set in an AU where Anya has left him, Riley is gone or was never there, and there is no Dawn.
Author’s Notes: This story woke me up at 1 a.m. and wouldn’t let me go back to sleep until I wrote it. It’s my first posted fanfic and my first ever attempt at B/X... so be very kind to me. " " as always means talking while * * means thoughts. I was listening to "Barely Breathing" by Duncan Sheik (Not sure how you spell his name) while writing this so the first part should be pictured to the music.
Feedback: Yes please!!!!!
Distribution: If you like it... please feel free to place it on your site... but please tell me first.
Xander entered the Bronze and walked over to the bar. The bartender, recognizing him, smiled and nodded. Xander smiled back weakly and then scanned the crowd. He immediately spotted Willow sitting at the usual table with Tara... but Buffy was missing. He continued to scan the crowd till he saw her, dancing closely with some guy.
She had a smile on her face and she was looking up into his eyes, giving him a look that Xander hadn’t seen her give anyone in a very long time... a look she had never even given to him.
Once again, Xander’s heart broke a little more. Already damaged by Anya suddenly leaving him a few weeks back, seeing Buffy with a guy, dancing so close to him... and that look... it was just too much for him to handle right now.
Sighing, Xander turned back to Willow and she caught his eye. She started to stand and wave him over, but he just turned and walked away, leaving, without saying a word.
As he stepped outside, Xander looked up into the clear, star-filled sky and whispered, "Why... why can’t she love me as much as I love her?" A tear slid down his cheek and he slowly walked off down the alley, disappearing into the darkness.
Little did he know that someone was watching him from the shadows. A figure stepped into the light and watched Xander as he left. It was Spike, and he looked oddly concerned. "Poor sod," he said, "I’d take away his pain if I could... but I think it’s the only thing keeping him alive right now. Besides... couldn’t anyways because of the bloody chip."
Spike sighed and then turned and waited; watching the door... knowing it wouldn’t be too long now.
Inside, moments earlier, Willow had been discussing her History notes with Tara when she had suddenly seen Xander standing over by the bar. He looked so sad that it almost made her cry. She started to wave to him when she saw he was looking at something. She turned her head and saw what Xander was seeing... Buffy slow dancing with some hot guy. She turned back to look at Xander and frowned as she saw him hunch over and walk off, leaving.
The song ended, then, and a smiling Buffy returned to the table. As she arrived, she saw Willow’s sad expression and asked, "What’s wrong?"
Willow sighed and answered, "It’s Xander..."
Buffy immediately interrupted her, a look of fear and concern on her face, and asked, "What... is he ok?!"
This surprised Willow. She hadn’t ever seen Buffy react like that. "He was just here, but he left looking all sad..." She paused and then continued, "... after he saw you, slow dancing with that guy."
Willow saw Buffy wince and blinked in surprise. *Is Buffy actually feeling... guilty?*
Buffy looked around and said, ‘How long has it been?"
"A few minutes," answered Willow. She had never seen Buffy this upset before... and over Xander. There was a strange look on her face. It looked, to Willow, almost like... longing???
Buffy turned toward the door and said, "I’m going after him. He shouldn’t be out there alone."
Willow turned to Tara, who nodded, before she said, "We’re coming with you."
They all gathered their things and exited the club.
Outside, Spike saw what he was waiting for. He smiled when he saw Buffy... then remembered Xander and his smile faded. *I can relate...we both love her but she couldn’t care less about either of us.* He sighed, stomped out his cigarette, and then walked off, blending into the shadows.
It took the girls 15 minutes to get to Xander’s apartment. When they arrived, they found his door was wide open. They rushed inside, Buffy calling his name, but found only an empty apartment.
His closet doors were wide open and all of his clothes were gone. Buffy ran to his dresser and threw it open, finding it empty as well.
"He’s gone..." she said, crumbling to the floor as he legs gave out. She looked up a Willow and Tara, a look of shock and pain on her face.
Willow, on the verge of tears, rushed over to her friend and wrapped her arms around her. "He can’t be... he just can’t be..." she whispered.
Tara, feeling useless, looked around the room, searching for anything that might be useful in leading them to Xander. She spotted an envelope on top of an open phone book. She picked up the book and her eyes widened when she scanned the page. There, in the middle of the page, was the number of the bus station... circled in red.
"He took a bus," said Tara, "and there is a note."
Buffy looked over at her and reached out for it. Tara handed it to her and then she and Willow listed as Buffy read it aloud.
"Dear Wills,
I don’t really know how to say this to you. We promised each other that this would never happen... but it looks like I’m breaking that promise. I’m sorry, but I can’t live here any longer. I have to go, it’s just too painful being here.
I look at her, every day, wanting to be with her, wanting her to love me as much as I love her... but we both know that Buffy doesn’t feel the same for me..."
Buffy paused, her heart in her throat. *He... he loves me... still... after all this time? I... I didn’t know.* She handed the letter over to Willow, unable to read anymore.
Willow took the letter and continued...
"... so I’m leaving. I don’t know if it’s for good or what. I’ll just have to wait and see. I’ll email you first chance I get, once I get settled. I don’t really know where I’m going... all I know is I can’t be here any longer.
I love you, Wills, please remember that... and please tell Buffy that I... well, you’ll know what is right to tell her. Oh.. give Tara a kiss goodbye for me too, if you will, and tell her that I said to take good care of you... or else I’ll come back and kick her ass.
Bye... for now.
Xander"
Willow dropped the letter, crying softly, and noticed that Buffy was crying as well. She looked up at Tara and reached out to her, asking without words for her to hug her. Tara nodded and gathered both Willow and Buffy into her arms, all three of them crying.
*****
His eyes, half-closed and red from crying, Xander watched the trees as they zipped by his window. He found it almost calming... something he really needed right now. As he watched, lights appeared in the distance.
"Next stop, Los Angeles. Rest stop for 30 minutes while re refuel and pick up passengers."
Xander turned toward the driver and nodded to himself. He and a few others were the only passengers on the bus that left Sunnydale. Sighing, he turned back to the window, letting the view ease his pain...
The bus came to a stop in the L.A bus terminal and everyone got off.. everyone except Xander. He didn’t want to leave, afraid... afraid that HE might be there... waiting for him. He knew that Buffy would notify Angel... or something along those lines... either way, Xander knew he was out there... somewhere. He crouched down and curled up into a tight ball, trying to hide... and somehow managed to fall asleep, not noticing the cloaked figure who was searching the terminal.
Thirty minutes later, everyone climbed back on the bus... including a man who didn’t have a ticket. After arguing with the driver, the man walked off and met up with a man and a woman who were standing nearby. The driver overheard part of their conversation as he was closing the door...
"... wouldn’t let me on, but I couldn’t see Xander anywhere." said the tall man... and the woman answered, "We have to keep looking, Angel. We can’t lose him... I can’t lose him..." The man pulled her into a hug and, as the doors closed, said, "We’ll find him, Cordy.. trust me."
The driver started the engine and pulled away, watching as people took their seats... before looking back at the road. He noticed the young man who was on earlier was missing. *Hmmm... he must have gotten off. Good luck kid.*
In the back of the bus, a woman in her 40’s sat down behind Xander and began to stare at him. Asleep as he was, his face was filled with pain. She had never seen someone who looked to be in so much pain... it made her cry. He heart went out to him and she pulled a blanket out of her bag, placing it gently over him... brushing a stray strand of hair out of his eyes before she sat back down.
*Poor thing... I hope you’ll be ok* she though as she went back to her book.
*****
Xander awoke over eighteen hours later, having completely collapsed after his emotional ordeal, as the bus pulled into Seattle. Staring out the window, his eyes filled with sleep, he gazed about in wonder at his new home. He shifted his body to get a better look and it was then he noticed the blanket. *Where did this come from?* He noticed a small piece of paper pinned to it. He pulled it off carefully and read it.
"Young man, you looked like you needed this more than me, so I would like you to have it. I don’t know what happened to you, but I hope you one day find some happiness. If you ever need some help, or just someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to call me, collect, anytime.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Tabitha Wesbrook."
He saw a phone number and address at the bottom. It was somewhere in Oregon. *That was weird... nice, but weird.* he thought as he folded up the blanket and stuffed it into his bag., along with the note.
The bus soon reached the station and Xander got off, retrieving his bags. He asked the driver if he knew of a clean, cheap hotel and the man gave him directions. When Xander followed them, he found a semi-nice place. He went inside and got lucky... there was one room left.
Xander went to his room and plopped down on the bed. *Home sweet home*
Xander channel surfed for a hour before he noticed he was hungry. Seeing a diner across the street, Xander got cleaned up and ran over. He ordered his food, and as he ate... he examined a newspaper on the next table, reading the classifieds.
He found a few construction jobs listed for an address downtown and decided to go check them out in the morning. He also saw an interesting ad...
"Room for rent. Must be clean and quiet. Owner is retired general, recently divorced. No parties. 650 a month."
Xander was in shock, he couldn’t believe his eyes. He wondered about the rent, then realized that the room might be small or something... or maybe it was because of the owner being a military man. Either way, Xander was sure he could handle it... so he made a note of the address and decided to check it out after seeing about the job.
He finished eating and headed back to his room, deciding to go to bed early, even though he wasn’t really tired. He would meet his new life early the next morning and probably needed every advantage he could get.
The next morning, Xander went down to the construction site early and met with the foreman. He wasn’t sure he liked the idea of hiring Xander until Xander spotted a mistake one of the crew had made... something only someone who knew construction would notice.
"You’re hired. The job’s really important and we’re rushed so I need help bad. We’re a union company, but considering we’re almost done.. I’ll hire you on as a temp. 25 an hour... take it or leave it."
Xander blinked. *Either this guy’s really nice or more desperate than he said.* Xander nodded and said, "I’ll take it."
"Good to have you. Come back tomorrow morning and I’ll get you started. I’d start you today, but I have a shipment coming in and all we’ll be doing is unloading.. so you’ll just start tomorrow.
Xander nodded and headed to his next stop, the room for rent. He had called earlier, and the man who answered had told him to show up at 0900 exactly.
Xander located the house and rang the bell at exactly 9 a.m. When the door opened, Xander greeted the man on the other side of the door with a perfect military salute. "Xander Harris to see you, Sir."
The general smiled and motioned for Xander to enter, saying, "At ease, son." Once inside, they talked for an hour with the general telling Xander all of his Army stories about wars and his life in general. Xander, in return, told the general of his "military" life. He knew he shouldn’t say anything, but something about the man told him that he shouldn’t lie... so he explained EVERYTHING.
"Vampires... seems to me I may have seen one of them back in 59. Weird guy, all pale and sickly looking. He was leaning over this guy in an alley. I started to ask him what he was doing, but he ran off. I checked the other guy, but he was dead and his body looked... well, I knew no-one would believe me so I never mentioned it."
Xander nodded and smiled. He liked this man and was beginning to think the man liked him too.
"So, this girl, Buffy. You love her, pretty badly too, but she don’t return the feeling?" the general asked.
Xander nodded.
"And you spent years feeling all hurt and lovesick... until you felt like you were going to die... so you ran off?"
Again, Xander nodded.
"Can’t say I agree with your running off... but you’re old enough to know your own heart, so I won’t say anything negative. You’ve got a place with me, son, for as long as you want it."
Xander nodded, smiling, and had to wipe away the moisture forming in his eyes. "Thank you, Sir."
The general nodded and then showed Xander to his room, leaving him alone to go get his things and then unpack. As the boy walked away, the general smiled to himself. He liked the idea of not being alone anymore... and this boy looked like he needed some family.
*****
Xander had been living with the general for almost two weeks when he finally decided it was time to email Willow. He went to the local library and got on their computer. He was scared, staring at his email... afraid to open it. He had 56 emails. He opened the inbox and noticed that almost all of them were from Willow.
He read the first one and it took everything he had to keep from crying.
"Xander, Please come home! Whatever we did... I did... we’re sorry. We miss you and love you more than you could imagine. You mean so much to us, we need you here. Please, please come home."
It was signed by both Willow... and Buffy.
Xander stared at the screen in shock. Buffy... she must have read the note. Xander felt terrible. He knew he should have mailed the note to Willow instead of just leaving it in his apartment, but he was in a hurry and hadn’t thought about it.
He quickly scanned the rest of the emails. They were pretty much the same as the first, obviously typed by Willow... except for the last one.
"Xander... I know why you left. You love me. I don’t know how to take this information. It’s all so sudden. You were with Cordelia, then Anya. You looked so in love with them that I thought you had moved on. I guess I was wrong. I don’t know if I can ever say if I will ever love you, Xander, but I do know that there is a Xander-shaped hole in my heart. We need you back here, Xander... I need you. Please come home, please come back... to us... to me."
It was from Buffy. Looking at it, he felt so confused. He wanted to go back, but he knew that it would just all start all over again... and he couldn’t handle that pain.
He opened a message and typed...
"Hey.. it’s me. I’m ok. I don’t want to tell you where I am, I’m just not ready for that yet. Just know that I am ok and will keep in touch through email. I love you all, but I need more, Buffy, and you know that... you knew it all along. Until you can love me... well... I won’t and can’t come back. I hope you all understand. Xander."
He hit send and got up and left, not noticing the signature that had been automatically added to the bottom of the email. It read... Seattle Public Library, we rock!
Later that day, Willow was checking her email when she saw one from Xander. "Buffy!" she screamed. Buffy ran over and they read the email together.
"He still loves me," she said, half-smiling. It had taken time for Xander not being there, every day, to effect Buffy enough for her to realize that she loved him. "But he didn’t say where he is."
It was Willow who noticed the signature. She was surprised Xander had missed it. "Look," she said, pointing at three words in particular. "Seattle Public Library... he’s in Seattle."
The two girls looked at each other and smiled. "Road trip." They laughed and then ran off, on their way to surprise their friend.
*****
There was something about the email he had sent that was bothering Xander, only he couldn’t figure out what it was. It was bothering him so much, he almost missed the mail he was busy hammering. He shook himself, to clear his head, and went back to work... not knowing his friends were on their way.
The next day, Xander got up early and went running with the general. He was surprised that someone his age was still so active. As they ran, the general asked him about his week.
"You’re looking a little leaner... you remembering to eat?"
Xander smiled. The general had become like a father to him and had gotten into the habit of worrying about him. "Yes, Sir, I’m eating ok. We’ve just been rushed, so I’ve been working some overtime."
The general nodded and ran a little faster. He liked having the boy with him and loved the look of terror that crossed the boy’s face every time he sped up.
"I saw you walk into the library a few days ago. You planning on staying here? Going to get yourself a library card, huh?"
Xander blinked. He hadn’t known anyone had seen him go in there. "I’ve been thinking about it, Sir, but I really went there to send an email to my friends... let them know I’m ok, like you suggested."
The general nodded and smiled. "Good idea. I’m glad you did it." He hopped over a hole in the road and continued, "I’ve been there a few times to do the same thing. I’ve got a few army buddies scattered across the country. Heard from them a few years ago and have been emailing them ever since. Now I go to the library to check my email every week."
He paused and turned to look at Xander. "You do know that any email sent from the library has a library signature on it... don’t you? I saw it once... it says ‘Seattle Public Library’ on it."
Xander, completely shocked by what he just heard, forgot to look where he was going, tripped, and ended up lying on the ground.
The general stopped and helped Xander to his feet. "I’ll take that as a no then." He brushed Xander off and let the boy relax. "Your friends probably know where you are now. When did you send it?"
Xander, still in shock, answered weakly, "A few days ago."
"Well.. takes about 19 or 20 hours to drive here, they will drive instead of fly... right?"
Xander nodded, numb right now.
"Ok.. add on another day or so, they’ll have to stop at a hotel for the night... and assuming it took a little while for your email to get there, a few hours to get clothes... lets see..." He paused and figured it up in his head. "They’ll probably get here sometime today... if they’re not here already."
A look of desperation crossed Xander’s face and he whispered, "This isn’t good."
"Why not?" asked the general. "I’d think you’d be glad to see your friends after being gone for so long."
Xander sighed. "Buffy is... hard to handle. Once she gets an idea into her head, she won’t stop until she sees it through... and I’m not so sure I want to face her. She was pretty mad when Angel left..."
The general stopped him. "Angel... who is Angel?"
"Angel is... was... Buffy’s boyfriend. He left her a while back and she was... well... really mad. She... well, I’m just afraid, I guess... afraid that she’s going to be furious when she gets here, and if she is... then I’m dead."
Across town, Buffy and Willow had just arrived. They had borrowed Giles’s car and had managed to make good time.
"Where do we start looking?" asked Buffy.
"The library. We can show people his picture and ask if anyone has seen him... then just follow his footsteps."
Buffy nodded and then followed Willow’s directions to the library.
In the park, Xander was close to passing out. The general looked him in the eye and said, "Calm down. We’ll go home and wait to see how smart they are. If they show up... well... I’ll deal with them. Come on, let’s go."
Xander nodded and they ran home.
Later, at the library, Buffy and Willow were just leaving. They had spent almost an hour asking everyone they saw there if they had ever seen Xander. They had had no luck and were about to leave when a woman stopped them. She said she had seen Xander working on the construction site downtown. They thanked her and headed out.
"Construction... makes sense." said Willow as they drove to the site. "We can safely say he isn’t broke and living on the streets."
Buffy frowned at Willow. "Not funny... I’m worried about him." She was... actually... very worried indeed. The intensity of her emotions scared her. If she didn’t know better, she’d think that she not only loved Xander.. but was IN love with him. It was then that it hit her... and the realization threw her so hard she slammed on the brakes.
"Buffy! What do you think you’re doing!" cried Willow, catching herself... inches from the dashboard.
Buffy stared ahead... *Am I in love with him?* She compared what she felt for Angel... and then Riley. There were similarities, but it was different. Xander was always there for her, he was always doing something to make her laugh, he was taking care of her every time she was sick... and then there was the fact that he had saved her life. All that time, he had been in love with her... and still was.. and as she thought about it, Buffy realized that she was in love with him too. She probably had been for some time, but didn’t notice because Angel or Riley had always been there... but they were gone now, and her love for Xander came shining through.
A smile crossed her face and she began to drive again. A scared Willow, sitting next to her, asked, "Are you ok?"
Buffy nodded and in a quiet, happy voice answered, "I’m in love... Willow... with Xander."
Willow squealed and said, "It’s about time..." before she reached over and hugged her best friend, overjoyed.
They arrived at the construction site soon after that and spoke with the foreman. He looked at their photo and, after they explained everything, gave them directions to where Xander was staying. They got back in the car and drove over there. When they arrives, they saw the curtains rustle... as if someone had been watching.
Inside, Xander was a nervous wreck. He had seen then drive up, recognizing Giles’s car on sight... and was now pacing back and forth. He heard the car doors slam and then heard their footsteps as they climbed the steps to the door.
He had asked to see them alone, figuring it was time to face the music. As they knocked on the door, Xander paused and then opened it wide, looking into the startled eyes of Willow and Buffy.
"Xander!" screamed Willow as she launched herself at him, tackling him in a hug. Xander, surprised, hesitated for about five seconds and then hugged her back.
When they broke the hug, Willow clocked him in the jaw with a right hook. "Don’t you EVER run away from me again!"
A look of pain and shock filled his eyes as he looked at her and all he could stammer was, "I...I’m sorry..."
Willow hugged him again, crying now, and was pulled away by a crying Buffy who said, "It’s my turn now."
She grabbed Xander in a hug and cried into his shoulder. "Oh God, Xander... please don’t ever leave me again."
Xander looked into her tear-stained face and said, "I’m sorry, Buffy, I just couldn’t handle it anymore, couldn’t handle loving you and not have my feelings returned..."
"I love you Xander." said a smiling Buffy.
"... but I can live with... What? You.. you love me?" Xander blinked in shock and whispered, "Please don’t tease me."
Buffy leaned in and kissed him, a soft, sweet kiss that soon deepened with amazing passion as Xander kissed her back. The intensity of the kiss nearly took her breath away.
As they broke the kiss, Buffy asked, "Think I’m teasing?"
Xander grinned and said, "I don’t know... I’ll need to do some more research."
His response brought on a fit of giggles from Willow and soon they were all laughing.
"Grab your things, " said Buffy, "We’re going home."
Xander smiled and nodded, running into the kitchen to tell the general goodbye. The general had been listening and had packed Xander’s bags. "Good luck, son, your girlfriend... she’s a keeper."
Buffy, who had followed Xander, said, "Thanks... for everything, for taking care of Xander... just everything... and girlfriend, I guess that is who I am now." She smiled and kissed Xander again. "Ready?"
Xander nodded and said, "Let’s go home."
End